Most people view me as a positive person. They visit my social media accounts looking for a daily doses of love and light. They do not realize what is truly going on underneath it all. Truth is, the lighter and more creative my content is, the more likely I am experiencing some dark times. The aware ones know this very well for they experience it themselves. Lower states of feeling are a great source for inspiration and art.
People that have been through hell and back know how crucial it is to face the dark side in order to transform it to lighter vibrations. Consistent positivity isn’t really thoroughly positive at all. It is the constant transmutation of the feedback of life from low to high. There is more meaning in being a transformational person than in being a positive person.
Most positive people are always chasing shallow positivity and this leads to them ignoring what they deem negative. Transformational people visit hell and come back stronger. This is what separates what is, from the illusion. Life is never consistently positive or negative. Life flows like the waves of the ocean and we have to learn how to surf this reality, not avoid it.
Today I am going to talk about what is going on underneath the surface. The dark side from where this flower grows.
I lost my aunt(who was more like my sister) at the end of November 2016. She had been struggling with depression, anxiety, bulimia, addition, schizophrenia… among many others things for at least 12 years. She was such a powerful psychic and empath but she didn’t get the guidance she needed. At some point she even believed she was possessed by the devil. She grew up in a catholic household so this was her context. She wanted a way out but she couldn’t seem to find one. I find solace in knowing that her little human body could not contain her powerful spirit. She is gone from earth but she rests from the constant sorrow she experienced here. I will always love her. I hope she knows that.
A year before my aunt passed away, I lost my grandfather, her dad. He was her rock so I am sure her passing was very connected to his. Prior to his death, I stopped talking to my grandfather for 13 years. I held long grudges against my family because of my father’s death. I felt like the way my grandfather and grandmother raised him was correlated to his passing. I finally healed from these grudges and reunited with my grandfather and grandmother. Only to lose my grandfather a couple of years later. I was just starting to learn how to love my family again.
I lost my dad 15 years ago. He had a heart attack at the age of 31. He also struggled with depression, anxiety and addiction. His death triggered long years of darkness for me. I was in this dark void for so long and It took so much out of me to get out.
Loss could be experienced in so many ways. We experience loss during breakups or when we get fired from our jobs. We experience loss when friends or family move away or when we move away ourselves. We experience loss when we lose physical objects, when we lose a friend at a festival or when we are kids and get lost from our parents at the super market. Loss could be big or small But there is no loss like the loss we experience when someone dies.
It does something serious to our brains. It triggers a long lasting ego death. During heartbreak at least we know they still exist and as ridiculous as it can be, there is still a chance to be with them again. Hope can be a huge motivator.
When the people we love die, we have to cope with the fact that there is no chance we will see them again on earth. Regret fills our brain like it’s a part time job. I should of said this and that. I should of loved them harder. I should of loved them better. A huge part of the grieving process is dealing with a whole lot of regret. I am still dealing with it today. Regret even surfaces from back when I lost my dad.
Death doesn’t get easier, we have to get stronger.
Loving people after losing people is probably the next hardest thing to experience. when it comes to breakups people are consumed by the worry that they will be left for another person in the next relationship. After experiencing a close death it is excruciatingly painful to love someone knowing there is a chance that one day they will seize to exist. Once you know that feeling you can never unknow it. It lives within you forever. If my boyfriend cheats on me and leaves me, of course I will suffer but at least he will still exist. I will survive that one and the next. But just the thought of loving someone and losing them to death is extremely painful. It transcends small worries and makes cheating and abandonment seem minimal.
After everything, I just know one thing. If you have experienced a close death in your life and are having a hard time falling in love again or getting close to people, do not be hard on yourself.
Death brings us closer to the truth of our impermanence and it can either distance us from loving others or it can teach us to love them even harder. That lesson is up to each of us to learn.
This is my experience with love after loss.