Love After Loss

Most people view me as a positive person. They visit my social media accounts looking for a daily doses of love and light. They do not realize what is truly going on underneath it all. Truth is, the lighter and more creative my content is, the more likely I am experiencing some dark times. The aware ones know this very well for they experience it themselves. Lower states of feeling are a great source for inspiration and art.

People that have been through hell and back know how crucial it is to face the dark side in order to transform it to lighter vibrations. Consistent positivity isn’t really thoroughly positive at all. It is the constant transmutation of the feedback of life from low to high. There is more meaning in being a transformational person than in being a positive person.

Most positive people are always chasing shallow positivity and this leads to them ignoring what they deem negative. Transformational people visit hell and come back stronger. This is what separates what is, from the illusion. Life is never consistently positive or negative. Life flows like the waves of the ocean and we have to learn how to surf this reality, not avoid it.

Today I am going to talk about what is going on underneath the surface. The dark side from where this flower grows.

I lost my aunt(who was more like my sister) at the end of November 2016. She had been struggling with depression, anxiety, bulimia, addition, schizophrenia… among many others things for at least 12 years. She was such a powerful psychic and empath but she didn’t get the guidance she needed. At some point she even believed she was possessed by the devil. She grew up in a catholic household so this was her context. She wanted a way out but she couldn’t seem to find one. I find solace in knowing that her little human body could not contain her powerful spirit. She is gone from earth but she rests from the constant sorrow she experienced here. I will always love her. I hope she knows that.

A year before my aunt passed away, I lost my grandfather, her dad. He was her rock so I am sure her passing was very connected to his. Prior to his death, I stopped talking to my grandfather for 13 years. I held long grudges against my family because of my father’s death. I felt like the way my grandfather and grandmother raised him was correlated to his passing. I finally healed from these grudges and reunited with my grandfather and grandmother. Only to lose my grandfather a couple of years later. I was just starting to learn how to love my family again.

I lost my dad 15 years ago. He had a heart attack at the age of 31. He also struggled with depression, anxiety and addiction. His death triggered long years of darkness for me. I was in this dark void for so long and It took so much out of me to get out.

Loss could be experienced in so many ways. We experience loss during breakups or when we get fired from our jobs. We experience loss when friends or family move away or when we move away ourselves. We experience loss when we lose physical objects, when we lose a friend at a festival or when we are kids and get lost from our parents at the super market. Loss could be big or small But there is no loss like the loss we experience when someone dies.

It does something serious to our brains. It triggers a long lasting ego death. During heartbreak at least we know they still exist and as ridiculous as it can be, there is still a chance to be with them again. Hope can be a huge motivator.

When the people we love die, we have to cope with the fact that there is no chance we will see them again on earth. Regret fills our brain like it’s a part time job. I should of said this and that. I should of loved them harder. I should of loved them better. A huge part of the grieving process is dealing with a whole lot of regret. I am still dealing with it today. Regret even surfaces from back when I lost my dad.

Death doesn’t get easier, we have to get stronger.

Loving people after losing people is probably the next hardest thing to experience. when it comes to breakups people are consumed by the worry that they will be left for another person in the next relationship. After experiencing a close death it is excruciatingly painful to love someone knowing there is a chance that one day they will seize to exist. Once you know that feeling you can never unknow it. It lives within you forever. If my boyfriend cheats on me and leaves me, of course I will suffer but at least he will still exist. I will survive that one and the next. But just the thought of loving someone and losing them to death is extremely painful. It transcends small worries and makes cheating and abandonment seem minimal.

After everything, I just know one thing. If you have experienced a close death in your life and are having a hard time falling in love again or getting close to people, do not be hard on yourself.

Death brings us closer to the truth of our impermanence and it can either distance us from loving others or it can teach us to love them even harder. That lesson is up to each of us to learn.

This is my experience with love after loss.

From Imagination To Reality

Art by: @bakersart

Hey, I’m back.

In my last blog post I talked about the funk I fell into at the end of 2016. Someone really close to me passed away and I felt it for weeks coming and also for weeks afterwards. My brain is still recovering from grieving. I will expand more about this experience in my next blog post but for now, I’m going to start the blogging year on a more positive note.

The power of visualization.

I consider myself a daydreamer. Not because I get lost in my daydreams but because my mind is constantly cooking up possible outcomes. I am personally very introspective and I know we all have the ability for introspection. Most people do not cultivate it and lose it because of the over exposure to visual entertainment and consumerism.

Essentially, we are all daydreamers because our imagination is always going. But the questions beg. How can we use this to our advantage? and how can we move from imagination to reality?

Many people believe that having a big imagination or being very introspective is a bad trait and it takes away from being present in reality. I remember my ex-boyfriend used to always tell me to get out of my head or that I was thinking about it too much. As if thinking deeply is a negative thing.

I can see why that perspective is valid. If the quality of the daydream/introspection is low, in other words; negative, it is counterintuitive for a person to always be lost in their thoughts. If you are diving deep into your mind just to get frustrated or angry at the world you aren’t using your super power the proper way.

Yes, your imagination is a super power.

Your mind is a garden and your imagination is the driving force that plants the seeds and nourishes what has already grown there. It takes maintenance to keep a healthy thinking mind. There are weeds that must be cut and smoked. There are places that lack light and need extra love and care. Your mind needs your love too and healing it is the first step towards manifesting better outcomes.

You must begin with improving your quality of thinking. Consciously choosing to visualize more positive outcomes even if its terrifying that they will never come true. Having the courage to use your imagination although it is not 100% guaranteed. Coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control everything but you still have the ability to make decisions within the options.

If you have trouble looking within yourself the next best way to find out how you are doing in terms of your quality of thinking is to check the people that you attract. Your significant other is a great reflection of yourself as well as your best friends. This isn’t about playing blame games but about using the connection and synchronicities we have with people to see our inner selves. Our dark side is powerful and sometimes it is this side that brings us together with others for deep karmic relationships. Relationships which we are meant to learn from but unless we open ourselves to this we will never see it from this perspective.

In terms of moving from imagination to reality, things get a little more complicated. First you must make sure that your quality of thinking has improved. Once your environment becomes more sensitive to your thoughts it is easier to manifest even negative outcomes. In order for your environment to become more sensitive to your thoughts, you have to become more sensitive to your environment. This means working to alter reality not just from your mind but also with your physical body.

You know that quote that goes like “Great things come to those who wait.” — I think that quote speaks to people that are obsessed with achieving their success and it reminds them to have patience. Now, there is nothing wrong with being obsessed as long as the downfall is not utter disappointment and self-loathe.

In this instance I am speaking more from a “Great things come to those who go out and do something about it.” perspective. Laying down on your bed with candles and incense to have a visualization session and then getting up and doing nothing about it is not going to manifest anything.

The universe has to see that you really want it. The universe has to watch you put in work. This is how you show your environment that you are more sensitive to it because you are consciously putting in work to change it. Be brave and set the course for the changes you want to make. Nature loves courage as Terence McKenna said.

Don’t just put the intention out there. Don’t just plant the seed. You have to embody your intention with every decision that you make. You must be as consistent as possible and be a reflection of what you want to manifest. You must water the garden of your mind and take care of it specially when things do not go as planned.

Just because a visualization didn’t become reality fast enough for you it doesn’t mean it never will. If you really want something, you’ll keep the intention in your heart despite of the weather. If you really want something, you’ll learn to see failure as a step towards your manifestation not a misfortune.

Now go out there, improve the way you think about your life, imagine a better outcome and do something about it. Do not let fear block you from drinking from the well of endless possibilities.

Funky

Photocred: Choobie photography 

I am in a funk. I am not here to teach you anything, be anything or give an example of anything. Of course, the inevitable will happen as it always does. Life is unpredictable and I did not see myself coming. I keep staying up scrolling and scrolling the screen waiting for everything to go back to normal when only I truly know I have no idea what that actually means. I am caught in the current of the stream running through my head.

Feels a bit like I am drowning.

Last night felt like I remembered everything I’ve had to do for the past 10 years of my life. I was overwhelmed by a mind with too much dialogue. I cried like a baby almost chewing my blanket. It has rained too much the past few weeks and I don’t want to drown in the accumulated waters of my regrets.

My heart hasn’t written a blog in a couple of months and this is the most poetic thing I have written besides my own life in something close to what feels like a year.

Finally yesterday I received the visit of a spark, an idea begin me to put it on paper. The importance of doing something and doing nothing. I will get to that later but first let’s talk about my inner anguish because for long years I have been writing about everything but it.

I come from a family where most members suffer/suffered some kind of mental illness. I lost my dad when I was 10 to what I am personally calling an “obese depression”. I lost my aunt 2 weeks ago to a series of mental illnesses. Let’s just say she was actually really strong for making it to 34 years old. My heart aches. She is my angel and I will miss her so much. I’ve heard of a far away cousin who killed his own wife during a moment of aggression that he says he doesn’t remember. I am sure if I dig up, many more similar cases within my family will pop-up.

Not only is mental illness a common topic within my immediate family but there are also a lot of unforgiven childhood traumas and unresolved issues. The environment was a perfect place for mental illness to flourish. This is the Florez family and the dark garden from where this flower grows.

When I say dark, I do not refer to its slightly negative aspect but to its mysterious and intense characteristics. I am admiring my families ability to inspire me to better myself and help others get better as well. As low as I have felt at times, I was given the gift of courage to explore the darkest and deepest most unknown parts of me. It has hurt like hell and right now I am experiencing a peak. This is what I want you, the reader to know; I struggle too.

For years, I resisted accepting the concept of depression and anxiety into my life. I ran on the idea that I created my reality alone, which doesn’t mean that I don’t, it just means that I share this reality with everyone else. I didn’t want to accept that I was a victim of my environment so I rebelled in many futile manners. This is what I mean with courage. Maybe I just simply got tired of my own bullshit. I don’t know. I just know It burns my heart to not be able to answer when someone asks me; “Carolina, how do I help myself? How do I get better?”. I don’t truly know, all I can tell you is that on some days when I do my best, the sun is shining and there is a rainbow path taking me to the love of my life, there is still a possibility that I will lay at night crying and almost chewing my own blanket.

We are all beautifully different. Nobody has the answer for you or I. We read so much stuff about doing yoga, meditating, going to silent retreats, getting a massage, therapy, working out, taking pills… bla bla bla… there is a whole culture on how to improve our lives. Trust me, I am not dissing it. I am part of the team. I just came to terms with the fact that there isn’t one specific answer. There isn’t a template we can follow. Everyone is different and everyone deserves the time and energy to discover themselves. Not just under the guidance from other people but specially under our self-observation.

Observe yourself in a way where you still love yourself at the end of the day. Have an unconditional relationship with who you are and stop thinking that there is something wrong with you all the time. I am speaking to myself too, to my subconscious. Perhaps this is the only reason I ever write what I think: because I want to talk deeply with myself.

I am funky too and I love the poetry my mind creates and the music my heart plays. I cannot regret or hate my struggle because it is the same struggle that lets me tap into my power. It is the trigger that propels me to express. The darkness that reminds me of my ability to rapture my own earth with self-hate and unawareness.

I am swimming in the depths of my ocean and as much as I kick and scream, the universe knows I’m grateful. My mission doesn’t change. My intention doesn’t wither. For I carry the heart of a warrior inside my chest.

There isn’t going to be an specific answer for you if you wish to arrive at a final destination. Healing is an endless journey.

Re-Creating My Personal Culture

My name is Ana Carolina Florez and I was born in Medellin, Colombia October 28th 1990. At the age of 2 I was brought to the United States by my parents who were searching for a better life. My dad got deported when I was about 6 years old and my mother and I followed him back to Colombia. By the time I was 10 my mom decided to bring me back to United States, this time, with the intention of a better future for me. Coming to America was the and ego shattering experience. Not only did I experience racism so blatantly in my face, I was also affected by the oppression of people of color as well as facing tough situations like using a different name in order to survive. I became another minority even as the mix of blood in my veins told the story of years and years of colonization. As a teenager I felt extremely oppressed and I didn’t understand why until later. My identity came into question to the point that I even questioned my own date of birth at some point. Regardless of how dark some of these times were, I was given the chance to re-create the sense of my personal culture.

In matters of race, I look native american. I wouldn’t be surprised if I also have african and european blood running through my veins as well. On my mother’s side I have a blonde green-eyed uncle as well as a dark skinned aunt. On my father’s side my grandfather was dark skinned and my father looked European. It was very hard for me to acknowledge racism for a while because relatively speaking, we are all different colors in my native land.
Colombia was the first South American region to be claimed by Columbus. We are so colonized that I have never heard any of my family members talk about our ancestors. This makes me sad, however, my genes don’t lie. I am not just a hispanic/spanish girl, I am a native American and wherever I go, so do my ancestors.

As I started waking up to the truth and history of my origins, I grew more into questioning what my own culture was. I technically grew up in the united states, far away from my native land and where there is a vast diversity of cultures. A place where culture tends to become americanized. With that I mean it either changes or disappears. Unless you consciously work to preserve it or have a large family to maintain it, any sense of culture tends to eventually fade away.

Leaving all my family behind and growing up with just my mom taught me that. Even her sense of culture became americanized.

What is culture according to dictionary.com?

1. The quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc.
2. That which is excellent in the arts, manners, etc.
3.A particular form or stage of civilization, as that of a certain nation or period: Greek culture.
4.Development or improvement of the mind by education or training.
5.The behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group: the youth culture; the drug culture.
6. Anthropology. the sum total of ways of living built up by a group of human beings and transmitted from one generation to another

Culture tends to have a positive connotation. We respect culture. We try to preserve it. It is the form, beliefs, characteristics of a group/civilization being transmitted from one generation to another.

It is basically a programming. A default way of living. In a way, it is an ego. I know the word ego has a very negative connotation but keep an open mind.

Culture is the identity of a certain time in the history of civilization.

My issue with culture is not what it was, it is what it has become. Culture used to have a connection to source/spirit/mother nature. Nowadays, culture is founded on materialism, profit, greed and social status. We try our best to keep old cultures intact but in truth, it isn’t the same. It’s never going to be the same. Time changes and time changes culture.

In my opinion and with all the respect that ancient cultures receive, it is time to try something new. It is time to take the best teaching of the ancient cultures and bring them to the present. It is time to consciously create culture rather than continuing to let leaders and media decide the culture in which we live in. And in order to establish a more healthy and collective culture, we have to think about our own personal culture.

Perhaps I’m reaching too far but there is no such thing in matters of improving the world we live in.

“We have to create culture, don’t watch TV, don’t read magazines, don’t even listen to NPR. Create your own roadshow. The nexus of space and time where you are now is the most immediate sector of your universe, and if you’re worrying about Michael Jackson or Bill Clinton or somebody else, then you are disempowered, you’re giving it all away to icons, icons which are maintained by an electronic media so that you want to dress like X or have lips like Y. This is shit-brained, this kind of thinking. That is all cultural diversion, and what is real is you and your friends and your associations, your highs, your orgasms, your hopes, your plans, your fears. And we are told ‘no’, we’re unimportant, we’re peripheral. ‘Get a degree, get a job, get a this, get a that.’ And then you’re a player, you don’t want to even play in that game. You want to reclaim your mind and get it out of the hands of the cultural engineers who want to turn you into a half-baked moron consuming all this trash that’s being manufactured out of the bones of a dying world.”
― Terence McKenna

I’m stuck in the paradox of letting go of culture and preserving it. Not stuck in a bad way but stuck in a place where I am able to embrace both ideas for their core value.

We must let go to start something new but we must also learn from the past and bring those teachings to the present.

I remember I was once accused by someone of my race of “Abandoning my culture”. I thought it was comical at first because he referred to the way I carried myself. It made me think a lot about what it meant to him and what it means to me.

I gave up a certain way of dressing, living, talking and many friendships that no longer resonated with me. I didn’t want to be another stereotype. I didn’t want to be an statistic. I decided to leave the culture I was given as default to go find my own way.

Without coincidence, the time I was accused of “Abandoning my culture” was the same time I became more in touch with my spirituality. If you look at me as a native american, I simply connected back to my roots. If you look at me as a colonized native american of european mixed blood, I simply disconnected from the culture I was given. If you are attached to any culture, you might even think I’m essentially betraying who I really am. But who am I? I am whoever I want to be and I wanna be free.

How you see me depends on where you are ultimately. I don’t want to come off as if I’m bashing any culture because I am not but I think it is time to let go of the ego behind culture so we can create a better system. A culture that isn’t based on everything that is wrong with the world. A culture that is based on love, human connection and the technological and spiritual expansion of humanity but it has to start with each of us individually.

Ask yourself; What culture are you creating everyday with your actions? A culture based on the competition for social status, greed, fear and oppression? Or a culture that helps you grow as a human being towards yours and our fullest potential as a collective human body.

What She Wants

Photo Cred: Boston John 

She is a rare creature in the concrete jungle.

Many people speak about her as an impossibility so she stays on the low so not to scare anyone away. She is a threat to any emotional nature hidden behind the illusion of a cold heart. That’s why she sleeps most of her life until one day she wakes up and recognizes her own beauty. It usually takes her some time to recognize her self, that’s why most men just render her crazy and leave her to be.

The warrior within her grows so she fights out of her condemnation to be seen.

As she grows, her light shines brighter. She is the fire behind the destruction of old habits and unwanted grudges. She is also the spirit of creation. She is a yin and yang. She attracts both light and dark, and within her being, those two become one. She takes you to another dimension of your mind. The uncharted places you never want to visit. That’s why you might hate her at first, but that’s why you will love her forever.

She helps people face the darkest parts of their soul with her mere presence. Only the brave ones would dare to keep her around because she brings the truth to the surface. She isn’t the type of lover or friend who sits around while you screw yourself over. She will dive into your world and embrace you with all of your imperfections. She will look at you through God’s eyes and remind you of your infinite beauty everyday.

She is a force of nature and a warrior in the war against consciousness.

But what does she want? Why does a woman like that exist?

She wants you to love her without shame, guilt or fear. She wants you to get naked and strip away everything you ever thought you were. She wants you to speak freely, without the need to impress or satisfy anyone’s narrative. She wants you to see yourself in your true light. She wants you to stop trying to be anyone else but you.

She wants you to stop fuzzing about what you can’t control and focus on the things you have the power to change. She wants you exercise the power of your heart and come closer to the highest version of yourself. She wants you to stop being a slave of your mind and realize you are a powerful receiver of an endless source of creativity.

She wants to save the world by inspiring you to heal yourself.

She knows it will be painful but she is willing to stick by you as long as promise to stick by yourself. She wants you to let everything that holds you back go.

She wants you to be free.

She is tired of watching you being influenced, she wants you to influence. She doesn’t want you to be a victim, she wants you to be a hero. She wants you to be okay with stillness if you are addicted to movement. She wants you to be okay with movement if you are addicted to stillness. She gets the paradox that you are.

She wants you to know that no matter how many people screwed you over, lied to you, disappointed you, not everyone is the same.

She wants you to feel and see the magic of human connection and all the incredible things that would happen if we recognized it more. She wants you to hug and embrace everything that is a part of you, including the pieces of you that live in people.

She wants you to be strong and not succumb to low influences because of fear. She wants you to stop hiding. She wants you to be brave and learn how to deal with your pain.

She wants you to stop running away from the things you don’t want to face. She wants you to rise from mental mediocrity and step in your royalty shoes.

For you are royalty and the king of her dreams.

She loves her logic king but realizes both spirits need to come together to form the union meant to propel us to a higher place. Once they come together, a new earth is created.

This is the romance now developing in my heart.

There, she is pregnant with great possibilities and the bits of piece of a new world. He carries the weight of the old world on his shoulder and the courage that will water the pieces of a new world and flourish the manifestations into existence.

When they come together, celestial wars end and there is no longer a she, there is no longer a he. There is only us, fading into the web of interconnectedness once and for all.

For eternity.

Finding My Place In The System

Photo Cred: Boston John 

I am aware of my place in society. When I say this, I am not referring to my race or social status. I am referring to the role I play everyday when it comes to what I give to the world. It wasn’t always like this. I thought my place was solely defined by how much money I have, my romantic relationships and/or the color of my skin.

I was far away from the truth.

I was stuck in a matrix made out of fear and deception. A system perfectly created to oppress the most beautiful aspect about humanity; our vulnerability. That’s why I woke up. I realized the responsibility I had. I understood the environment I was thrown into and it hurt so bad. I wanted to run away from the truth and ignore the world but my desire for healing only brought me closer and deeper into it. I was given the courage to trust the process that was taking me towards a place in society that brought me true fulfillment.

At the beginning of the end I found myself in a deep slumber. I did not know what loving myself meant. I had no ambition or motivation to do anything. Nothing inspired me. Nothing made me feel anything. I was just there. Suspended in the sweet pervading darkness. My physical manifestations were just a mere reflection of my state of feeling.

I got married when I was 19 to the first man I fell in love with. Economically, he gave me everything. It was refreshing for a girl who used to go to sleep hungry all the time. I got very comfortable. I destroyed any sense of my life to be part of his. We were both young and in love. I learned so much about myself during that time of my life. I willingly walked into that fire and that fire taught me about my own. It taught me how to keep it burning in my own home; My heart.

From that fire something started growing slowly inside of me.

This discontent with everything brought upon a new hidden courage. Most people numb themselves away. I tried doing the same but it started affecting my physical body and I knew then I had to do something about it. I didn’t want to spend my life in pain like many others have chosen to. It was time for me to get uncomfortable. I let go of the relationship I called home to come back to my own heart. I let go of many people who I will always love but no longer served a purpose in my life. I let go of many things I held onto for years and it was the most liberating thing I ever done. All the same, It was one of the most painful things I have ever endured but I survived. Healing kept me alive.

I started all over. I had no job, no physical home, not money and very little friends. It was ego shattering. Embarrassing, I-hid-from-facebook-for-months-painful. Hahaha It was no joke. I found a job as a janitor at a gym and I literally left my journey up to the universe. I promised myself I was going to be okay where I was. I promised I was going to let it flow and not be hard on myself for not having the life I pictured. I felt weak and shameful. I let it go and slowly but surely, the true going came to me.

I have always loved the quality of being strong. It’s a quality I admire in people and something I tried to figure out how to be. I was doing it all wrong. I tried to look strong in the eyes of others and I thought that would make me strong. In perspective, it did. But true strength isn’t a look or can ever be moderated by what you make others believe of you. True strength is lived in real time. True strength is personal. It is lived within, not a look you can put on and take off. Being stronger was my inspiration.

Being mentally strong means a lot of discovering as well as changing. Changing takes courage.

I had a co-worker encourage me to become a personal trainer at the same gym where I spent months cleaning toilets and picking up the trash. It sounded too good to be true. What would people think of me? A janitor trying to be a trainer? Like who do I think I am? were many of the questions that popped up in my head. I did always love and enjoy physical education and had been known for having lots of spare energy to waste. I decided to embark on the journey that has changed my life completely.

While I started to pursue the career as a personal trainer, I was already blogging about my insights in this space. Through discovering my inner self, I started seeing the truth in other people. Their pain, struggle, suffering and joy. Since I opened myself courageously to the world, my compassion has grown tremendously and many others have opened to me. I realized this was a unique characteristic I could bring into my personal style of training. The understanding of people from within. The unification of the physical and the spiritual body.

The growth of the physical body via the awakening of the spirit.

I feel happy in a way that I have never felt before. I am now dedicated full time to personal training and in the process of finishing my first book. I don’t feel accomplished because I am doing “cool shit” hahaha I feel accomplished because I am doing things that bring fulfillment into my life, as well as a way to survive within this system. I am no longer working jobs that kill my soul. I do something I love.

This is the story of how I found my place in the system.

How I found a way to transcend the environment that did not agree with me. I didn’t settle for being a victim of it. I realized there is a reason I did not fit in. I was born to create a new world. That is what you might feel inside when you feel like you don’t fit where you are. That is what you might feel inside when you feel like you are meant to do greater things. Perhaps it isn’t anything like climbing mount Everest or winning a grammy. Maybe it’s as simple as finding true love for yourself and a way to live a more fulfilling life.

I invite you to not settle but I also invite you to be okay where you are. This is where it starts. Stop fighting yourself.

Create a peaceful space that you can take with you anywhere. A higher vibration. A space that no matter where you are, supports you with love and compassion. This space is created with your heart.

I invite you to understand that where you are is just a step towards where you are going. I invite you to visualize more for yourself even if it seems unrealistic. I invite you to rise above the system and find your own space. Not according to anything or anybody. According to what resonates deeply with you.

Your journey is waiting for you.

How Do You Know If You Are With The Person You deserve

I get it. Nobody wants to face the truth about the person they are with. Specially many years down the road and many many mistakes later. I have been in that position before. I held the person I loved so high that I didn’t see the ugly parts of them because I was denying my own unhappiness. I didn’t want to realize how unhappy I was because I felt like I had built something solid and what I call “The ego” of my relationship felt very threatened. I felt like I had a duty to love him at the expense of my happiness. I pushed people and family away because I didn’t want them to notice my state of feeling. I didn’t purposely do it. These realizations came later. However, I remember the first time someone confronted me about my unhappiness and I became a total mess. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to feel it. I fought them and ended up losing but I gained my life back.

Unfortunately, if growing is something you seek, confronting your unhappiness is a must.

There is so much truth to the quote “There is no right person for us, just different flavors of wrong”. But there are certain wrongs that shouldn’t be tolerable forever because instead of contributing to our self-love, they enhance our self-loathe.

Love should never make you less of you who are. It should propel you forward towards your fullest self.

Any love that asks you to be less of yourself because otherwise you aren’t worthy of love is questionable. Compromising in a relationship is definitely a must but you should never spend your whole relationship trying to make the other person do it. Compromising should be a willful step towards growing the relationship. For both men and women. It shouldn’t be something you have to pressure the other person to do. It should be relatively easy because when you care about someone and want to build something solid with them, you work towards it everyday.

I really get it. The hope for genuine and long lasting love can totally blind us from the scary truth we don’t want to know of yet because we are having too much fun falling in love. But if we want to fall in love the proper way, we have to fall in love with everything about the person. Not just the things we choose to see. Most importantly, we should not fall in love with their potential but with who they already are. Falling in love with our eyes opened in a skill for the brave ones.

How do you know if you are with the person you deserve?

The person you deserve is a mirror of you. They carry a lesson that you must learn about yourself. Very often, one person grows while the other person grows apart. It’s tough but we must come to terms with it otherwise we will spend vast amounts of our energy trying to get them to catch up to where we are. For most part they probably don’t even want to. So for starters, you deserve a person who wants to grow with you.

The road of falling in love with someone you are trying to save is old, hurtful and very common. I get this also. You are a good person, you love helping people and here comes this special case of a human who you can tell needs you a lot. You sense they need your love and so much healing in their heart so you feel you are meant to give it to them. And you are, until you decide to step into the realization that you need help too and since you made them your special case, this healing energy you give isn’t reciprocated. Instead, you end up being the parent of a grown person.

Is this the way you want to live?

You give them your healing and love but you receive difficulty and emotional irresponsibility. You have the ability to be the bigger person all the time, don’t you want someone that can match that? You deserve someone who helps you heal. It should be a mutual exchange not a one-way street. If you settle for this type of relationship your spiritual energy will end up depleted and you’ll be alone in your personal difficulty because the obligation to keep it together to not affect the other person will always be there. You will not feel emotionally free.

It is important for each individual in the relationship to have their own space. More importantly, I think it is crucial for both parties to find a passion or a hobby they can do on their own. Something they can fall in love with other than with each other. Why? Because it is healthy for our human identity.

It’s okay to get lost in each other. It’s a beautiful occurrence in relationships. We merge consciousness and become one. We start acting like each other, talking like each other and it is adorable. But then, we have to go back to real life. Once we are in real life, we should avoid the withdrawal of love addiction. The delicate feeling of dependency. Nowadays, people usually confuse it with love. Love is not dependency.

Remaining in our own life and not giving it up for the sake of spending more time with the person we love is an act of self-love. It’s not okay to give up the people and the things you have a connection with for any reason. They are part of you. The person you deserve wouldn’t ask you to do that. Instead, they would seek to connect with the world you are connected with. They should want to know every part of you, not take it away from you.

The person you deserve doesn’t feel threatened by the things that you love because they know they are what makes you you. The person you deserve would support you in becoming your authentic self, not expect you to become a copy of them. They will see the true you in the spotlight and feel specially attracted to you when you are there.

The person you deserve sees you as your own person and wants you to bloom as they do the same in their own life. Love is conscious unity. It is the force that moves life and makes the impossible become possible.

Love is growth. Growth is infinite.

AwakenFit: Awaken Your Inner Strenght

What does it mean to be strong? What does it mean to be fit? The darwinian theory hints at the survival of the fittest. According to science, fitness is a biological concept which defines reproductive success. Meaning that if you are able to leave behind countless copies of your genes for the successive generations, you are the fittest. What a weird way to think about being fit. However, culture nowadays is very obsessed with aesthetics and people who are more visually pleasing will have a chance to leave their genes behind the most. That is assuming they are engaging in lots of sexual activity. But being aesthetically appealing doesn’t mean you are necessarily strong. Being strong is not something many people aspire to be unless we are talking about being physically strong. Weirdly enough, becoming stronger in this way carries the possibility that you will be more appealing to the opposite sex. Muscle in the right place is sexy.

We are wired to be strong and I think deep down, we know it.

If we take it back to the times when we lived in villages and we had to hunt to eat, I believe the darwinian theory applies much better. If a man was strong enough to survive encounters with wild animals and bring food home, he was appealing in the most basic sense. The sense of pure survival. Things have changed. We no longer need to be strong to hunt and survive but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be strong to simply live.

The aspect that touches me the most about this topic is that although we no longer live in villages and have to defend ourselves, our body still thinks it does. Every time we feel threatened emotionally, our flight or fight mode responds. We feel this a large percentage of our day. I say “We” because I have felt it and because it’s safe to say everyone carries some level of anxiety at this point in history. Tomorrow isn’t really promised. We don’t know if to give it all up or follow our dreams and die trying.

The matter the resonates from our ancestors, our bodies, have never felt this confusion. We are living in new times and it is crucial for us to become stronger humans from inside out.

We must aim at a strong immune system. It bolsters when maintained under a healthy lifestyle. The autonomic nervous system which is the primary mechanism in control of the flight or fight response, has it’s connections to the immune system in many ways. The adrenal glands being one of them. They release hormones into our blood in response to stress messages from the brain. Studies show both sympathetic and parasympathetic arms of the autonomic nervous system are instrumental in orchestrating neuroimmune processes.

In other words, when we spend a lot of time in flight or fight mode and we don’t exercise and learn how to manage it, our health slowly deteriorates.

It is very important to become stronger emotionally as well as physically. Strong to withstand whatever life throws at us. Strong to live a happier life. Strong to have our organic vehicles move more efficiently. Strong to live better, feel better and make the most out of life.

I awakened my own inner strength and I have never felt so light in my whole life. I feel lighter because I feel free. I no longer live in fear. I realized I have nothing to defend because I deserve to be the best version of myself. I found the courage to live from a place of love and growth. If I am strong physically, it is because I gave my spirit permission to soar beyond expectations. As I became strong in my heart, I became stronger in my body. I grew into a person who takes care of her being in all aspects.

This is what being strong truly means to me.

AwakenFit is for those who feel stuck in what feels like programming. It is for those who want to change the paradigm of the world through themselves. It is for people who want to be stronger and become their best version and those who want to change their life starting from their heart. Having a change of heart will changes lives. Yours and people around you.

AwakenFit is for the self-aware. For those that know how powerful they are and want to explore this power.

It doesn’t matter where you are in your journey as long as you keep going and you continue loving yourself beyond the set backs.

As long as growth is your soul’s deepest desire, the universe will conspire to give it to you. All you have to do is be ready to receive it.

The only question here is; Are you ready to be stronger?

The More Naked I Became…

Artwork by: Caro Flower 

The more naked I became the more I realized the joy in liberation.

Things started falling away from me. I shed layers of consciousness that no longer served me. It started within and it spilled even on my surface. My hairs were no longer touched by the anxiety of searching for something new in my appearance. I was to leave them to flow without restrictions. Jewelry and makeup? It became a burden against my skin. I wanted to let my being breathe from all aspects. I always was a fan of fashion but the desire to dress in an specific manner flew out the window. I didn’t have the desire to be anything specifically although my environment begged me to identify myself.

There is a large consciousness living within and with us that pressures us to fit into molds for identification purposes. Whatever our mind can identify, we call it familiar. This mannerism of our brain makes us get caught up in the same repetitive production. It isn’t until we decide to step outside our comfort zone that we can see why we should just stop, smell the flowers and simply get naked.

Bare skin is a metaphor for mental rebellion. Sexuality can be used to empower us or take our power away. Those in charge of the fabrication of the garments are scared of the true nudity of the human spirit. They want us to be endlessly dressed in layers of fear and oppression perfectly made to keep us trapped in our own mind, our little matrix. A system of mental oppression. Powerless to the circumstances. Perfect set-up to manipulate the outcome to humanity itself. It is only until we take it all off that we can truly see this. It isn’t until we dare to question our own existence and re-think our identity that we can feel the power.

The more naked I became, the more I realized the meaning of not feeling like myself. It was the caterpillar process of becoming the butterfly. The Naked butterfly. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere and it inspired me to seek deeper within myself. I felt like the world was out to get me and because of this I realized my triggers. I had no motivation and it triggered natural meditation. I was meant to find myself in that place. Stripped away from everything I ever thought of myself, stuck in an emotional micro isolation. I zoomed into myself and in that place, I felt happy. To others I was down and they were also right.

I felt off while living my experience within the vibration of a social status expectative. I needed to zoom into myself and be disconnected from the outside while society’s consciousness spoke tales about my unworthiness in my mind. I was in an empty space. My own emotional version of a black hole. I became nothing. Not in a negative way. I was nothing like a fresh white canvas waiting to display it’s art.

The more naked I became, the more I lost people who no longer served a purpose in my life. I lived in a power struggle with myself over this for a long time. It was hard coming to peace with this. My sense of loyalty and pride made me feel as lonely as I have never felt. I understood the true value of being alone. When we lose people, we realize how truly fragile it all is. It is important to be alright in our own heart for that is our true home. This is grounding.

The more naked I became, the more I experienced bits of simple happiness. I felt the truth like wind hitting my skin. Refreshing my existence. It was a process. While in my cocoon, I was living in two different worlds. My inner world, a mixture of numbness and short bits of contentment and my outer world. The environment that held me. The environment that measured my worthiness in accomplishments, motivation and the number in my bank account. All which I lacked.

I was a depressed child to many. I didn’t dare to label my experience. I was worried it would catch me like a mental trap. I was afraid I would get caught up in that story. Instead, I let it be. I let it destroy me. I let the lack of not knowing who, what or when end me.

We do not seem to learn how to create something new until we have lost it all. Even then, some people take their own special time. Whatever their journey is, it is free to simply be. It doesn’t make sense to learn how to walk and look down at crawling as something that isn’t part of the process. I’ll never forget what brought me to where I am today. It wasn’t unnatural or natural, it just was. Free of judgement. Just like the most vulnerable parts of our lives should be.

Our vulnerability activates the power of sensitivity. We are sensitive about what we think just like what we think is sensitive to us.

Whether we visualize the experience of inner nothingness as a black hole taking us to another dimension of our selves or a black hole causing mass destruction in our current world, it is entirely up to us. It will decide how much of it we will feel under our skin.

Being naked is a lesson in liberation. It is the discipline of harnessing courage. Courage is linked to creativity because to do something you have never done before, you have to imagine it first. If there is something which is part of our human nature, it is this. The ability to take it all off, observe life from the white canvas perspective and make life into a conscious masterpiece.

I am a free woman because I learn

I am a free woman because I am not ashamed to love myself unconditionally.
I am a free woman because I am responsible for my emotions.
I am a free woman because I am not ashamed of my body.
I am a free woman because I do not let social normalities dictate how I should live my life.

I work hard to be the person that I am everyday and I refuse to let society take that away from me.

I learned how to say no, specially if it protects me from unwanted energy. I have learned to disagree in order to remain authentic in the person that I am. I learned not to settle for love that doesn’t mirror the love that I have for myself and if the love I have for myself seems to be suffering, I have learned to grow from that too. I have learned that loving other people is a lesson in loving myself. I have learned to take care of myself, to treat myself gently, and in the wake of frustration, to keep my mind focused on the solution rather than the problem. I have learned not to be hard on myself when things aren’t going my way. I have learned to let go of heartbreak. I have learned that it is okay to let myself be human and mistakes are just triggers for growth. Flaws ad dimension to our life. I have learned to let myself cry, let myself fear and not repress all the things that I feel.

I have learned that being emotional is only bad if I don’t take responsibility for how I feel. I have learned that being filled with emotion is a beautiful thing and I am not a stereotype. I have learned to admit my mistakes and say sorry. I have learned to remove myself from the role of victim and see the situation objectively. I have learned that keeping my ego intact is not worth losing beautiful connections with people. I have learned to admit that I have no clue what I am doing but I am winging it. I have learned to take a step back and realize I need to breathe and come home to my own heart again. I have learned that I can get drunk on my emotions, do things that I do not mean and the same thing can happen to anyone. I have learned not to be afraid of love and connection because every time we love, we enter a time of our lives where great transformation can occur and growth is beautiful. I have learned to forgive myself and others too. I have learned to be vulnerable and courageous because that is the one way we create a connection with other humans. I have learned not to let the fear of rejection rob me from my authenticity.

I have learned to love the magnificent art that is my body, not because it looks a certain way but because the way it functions is amazing to any curious mind. I have learned to work hard for my body in order to maintain it strong, functional and sharp. I have learned that I need to give my body maintenance through physical activity and nutrition. I have learned to be careful with what I feed my senses for what I watch, listen and eat play a huge role in the way that it functions. I have learned not to care about showing my skin because it makes people uncomfortable. I have learned to dress my body exactly how I feel not according to how society expects me to. I have learned to embrace my sexuality and not be ashamed of it. I have learn not to be ashamed of my body because it brings me joy and pleasure. I have learned my body is a piece of earth and it deserves all the love in the world.

I have learned that having children does not make me more or less of a woman and I do not have to hurry into it. I have learned that there is nothing wrong with being a sexual woman. I have learned that I do not have to learn how to cook and clean because society says so. I learned to cook a clean to take care of myself. I have learned that having slept with various men does not make me a slut or a whore, it just makes me human. I have learned that enjoying sex does not make me disgusting, embarrassing or a freak. It just makes me me. I have learned that I do not orgasm easily because it takes a lot of love and dedication to get to know my body. Good thing I know it well. I have learned I can teach my partner about my body and that should never be weird. I have learned that about 80% of women do not cum from intercourse so why are women pretending? I have learned not to pretend anything about my sexuality because I choose myself over pleasing others and preserving their comfort zones.

I am free because I have learned all of these things. There is always space for improvement and I will continue to give myself the gift of learning. There is always something to learn. There is always some place that needs growth.

I am free because I have learned.